Matthew "Gallon of Strawberries" SachsRecent Entries | ||
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You are viewing the most recent 20 entries July 21st, 2007: Deathly Hallows The scene where Harry wakes up and he was actually Harry from Harry and the Hendersons having a dream is fantastic! (In the grand tradition of Voldemort is Harry's sled, I haven't read it yet.) Tags: humor, media May 16th, 2007November 1st, 2006:
First, I present 120 lines about 60 forks. Last night was the first time I've ever answered the door and handed out candy on Halloween. I had been looking forward to it, under the general theory of "kids are cute, and failing that I have a bowl of candy in front of me." But in my sanguine predictions, I had forgotten that children are people. The first wave of shock troops was too young to have mastered such crucial Halloween tactics as "saying the words 'trick-or-treat'" or "leaving after they've been given candy." Instead, they would stand there in their little Bat-Man or Superman or witch or princess costumes, and just stare at me. No, this wasn't supposed to be difficult! You ring the bell, I open the door, you say "trick-or-treat", I drop candy into the bag that you're holding out and open and say "happy Halloween", and you give thanks and leave. But these poor little kids didn't understand proper trick-or-treat protocol, and so they stood there and stared at me, and I fumbled gracelessly with words and candy. Parents stood at the gates of my porch, at the edge of vision, beaming as their progeny tottered to and fro and heedlessly urging utterances of "thank you". As the night progressed, both the visitors and I grew more practiced in the necessary arts. One complimented my costume (aww!) One was a cow, who could conveniently be mooed at. She seemed amused. Maybe she was just being polite. Tags: creative, humor, life September 10th, 2006: Open Letter to a Jilted Lover Dearest LiveJournal, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you, baby. It wasn't supposed to be like this. You know you're my one and only, you know you are my world. Honey, that girl — you are a real woman, she's just a silly girl — your friends (Xanga and DeadJournal) thought they saw me with, it wasn't what it looked like, baby. It meant nothing. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, baby, I will do everything I can to make it up to you. I will treat you right again, like I should've all along. I'll start filling out memes, baby, you always said it would be fun to do memes together! And I denied you that pleasure, because I was selfish, but baby, if memes will bring us closer together, then I shall partake in a veritable cornucopia of memery, a memetic plague of Outbreakian proportions, all for you, darling. I will go to the very ends of my extended social circle to experience tantalizing shenanigans for you to have inscribed in your tender pages. The angst of my drama and the self-absorption of my wankery will know no bounds, just like my love for you. Please take me back, baby. I love you. XOXOXOXOXO, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} mattsachs(By way of saying, things are good, and I won't bore you with the details. And I'll try to update more anyway.) Tags: creative, humor, life June 9th, 2006: Avast, ye mateys, I bring ye the bounty o' the Internet! Today was a good day for internet. First, we have Kitten vs. MacBook Pro (warning: video w/ sound will autoplay, but it will involve a kitten, so it's okay.) Second, the Times brings us the postmodern brilliance of HedgeStock, which "aim[s] to marry the ideals, music and fashion of the 1960's with a networking event for the hedge fund world. Or, as attendees from DKR Capital advertised during the event, 'Peace, Love and Higher Returns.'" The Who headlined, and Moët & Chandon champagne had a booth. Tags: humor, media, news June 2nd, 2006: omg Putin lolz Mr. Putin said he would not discuss hypothetical questions. "If a grandmother had certain gender characteristics," he said, "she would be a grandfather." (via NYT) Tags: humor, news May 26th, 2006May 1st, 2006: Hundreds of Cats, Thousands of Cats... Yet another crazy cat-lady story, from the Times. "Any evil intention against my cats and me, will come back to you, three times three." And it gets better from there. Tags: humor, news April 4th, 2006: But Mom, It's Science! There's an article in today's Times about the discovery of gliding ants and its ramifications for the evolution of flight. Here's how Dr. Yanoviak (who's from U of F, ravenword) made his discovery:
When Stephen Yanoviak visited the jungles of Panama in 1998 to study how ants forage, he found himself with some unexpected downtime. "Out of boredom, I started flicking some ants off of a tree," he said. ... The scientists' hunch that the ants' movements, not their body shapes, chiefly dictated their gliding paths was confirmed when they started chopping off appendages to see if the insects could still soar. Tags: humor, media March 27th, 2006: Lewis and Clark in a Mall Parking Lot Set out for Riverside Junction with a party of 1 and minimal provisions. Planned to procure the service of a native guide who could lead us to ideal locations for restocking supplies. The way was well-documented by previous expeditions, but as a precaution against unexpected hazards, we relied on the mechanical navigatory automaton to find our way. We arrived at Riverside well ahead of schedule, and took the opportunity to hear what we could of recent events, lest we be caught off guard by recent flooding on our return journey northwards. The national radiographic service outpost proved most informative as to the customs of the peoples of the region, but did not speak of foul weather, past or foretold to come. This was taken as a sign that no such weather need likely concern us. ( Below the cut, we meet Laurajawea, and disaster strikes ) Current Music: The throaty roar of a herd of wild automobiles March 14th, 2006: Diagnosis of Inferior Social Proclivity Disorder in Young Adult Patients: A Case Study (Note: While listening to "Lady is a Tramp", I realized that what was being discussed in the song was not, in fact, why the lady is a tramp, but the symptoms of her tramphood. Well, this imprecision simply would not do...) Diagnosis of Inferior Social Proclivity Disorder in Young Adult Patients: A Case Study
Note: This paper has also been accepted for publication in the Annals of IntroductionInferior social proclivity disorder, or "trampiness", is commonly mistaken for adjustment disorder not otherwise specified.1 However, this condition is surprisingly common in early post-adolescent patients, especially females.2 We examine the diagnosis and treatment of one patient, who we shall refer to as Lady. Lady, when she began treatment, was a 24-year-old who referred herself to our private practice. She had become increasingly concerned over her difficulty in forming social relationships at her place of employment, a finishing school. ( Read Full Text )Tags: creative, humor January 31st, 2006: Possum al Dent-e; Excess Teeth I was en route to IHOP last week, when I saw a possum in the road. As it was not actually in the part of the road which was in front of my car, I kept going. As it turns out, I was vastly overestimate the intelligence of possums, or at least of this particular possum. So, slam go the breaks. Now, The Box has really good breaks, but they still aren't a substitute for accurate possum intelligence assessment. I watched in horror as the white-masked (like some inverse racoon, stupid and pale-faced) bugger set under the horizon of my front bumper (Does one bother shovelling the corpse of an ex-possum onto the side of the road? Or scraping it off one's bumper? Probably calling someone would be overkill...), and then came the inevitable thud. As I sat there, foot on brake, processing the situation, I glanced over to my right and saw the fiend scampering away, apparently none the worse for wear. That's right. I dented a possum. In other exciting news, I have too many teeth. As a sign of my olympic-sized pool of wisdom, I posess not two, not four, but a whopping six wisdom teeth. At some point in the near-ish future, I will probably need to get the lot of them ripped out. I'm going back (to the dentist) next week for my cleaning and story time. Unless extra teeth are even more interesting than they sound, there may be something else odd. I had to get some extra-special X-rays at a place across the street, and when the receptionist there went to hand them to me, she did a double-take, laughed, and proclaimed, "We'll be seeing you again!" Then I brought them back to the dentist, and the receptionist there squints at them and then walks in on the doctor with another patient to show them to him, and he actually started looking at them and talking to me. I cut him off and told him that we'd talk next week when I came in for my cleaning, which I will. And he had a whole spiel when he was attending to me about how he hates getting interrupted when he's with a patient... Tags: humor, life January 21st, 2006: Poem by a Black Sock The fungus consumes and devours my thread / I'll laugh at your tears that you'll cry when I'm dead / Shoes always trap me and block out the light / But my soul will be free when I'm one with the night. The above inspired by the casting questionnaire for "Across the Sea of Stars." In a similar vein, by popular demand, the lyrics to a song I wrote for "10 Bad LARPs" at Intercon D, ( My LiveJournal Bleeds In The Night ) Tags: creative, humor December 19th, 2005: Best. Spam. Ever. I just got a spam which consists of Russian Jewish walruses selling me a Chevy Lanos.  Tags: humor December 17th, 2005: Tonight's Lessons Tonight I have learned that people from Tufts are Also, the Border Cafe in Cambridge has "Roland Sea Salt - Fine Crystals." And the crystals are, indeed similar in coarseness to those of table salt. I mean what the hell? Way to defeat the purpose of sea salt, Roland. Tags: humor, life December 16th, 2005: Slick, guys My acceptance letter from Brandeis grad school (I'm graduating in a week and then sticking around another year to pick up a MA) began "Dear Sachs:" . Current Mood:  amusedSeptember 30th, 2005: O frabjulous day! What joy! What rapture! Do mine eyes deceive me? Has this day at last finally arrived? Or could the California DMV really have cashed my check for five bucks? I simply pray that when I awaken, I shall remember this glorious vision. Update: And they even sent me the paperwork. Tags: creative, humor, life August 6th, 2005: Maqlu: The Rambling I'm pretty annoyed at, well, someone at work right now. There's a machine named "lili" which I've been doing some testing on recently. And every time I log into it, which has been often these past few days, I think of the Who song Pictures of Lily. As a result, I was driven to — well, of course you're familiar with the ancient near-eastern demon Lilit (warning: page contains image of 19th-century oil painting of naked woman with snake whose positioning is insufficiently strategic) ? Hence, Pictures of Lilit. It's no Zombies' Affection, and I've mercifully declined to record it for the time being. It's a good thing that I don't have Wagner lodged quite as deeply as The Who in my neural firmament, I've been logging into isolde routinely since before the summer started, and nobody wants to see what I'd do with that... I'm going to be on a 20 hr/week work schedule for Apple, at least through December. Hopefully this will be enough to keep me out of trouble, although I suspect I'll have suspiciously gaping holes in my schedule. Miraculously, I managed to convince one of the flatmates to leave the apartment this afternoon. We were desperate enough to get out of the house that we walked three miles to Sunnyvale for mini-golf, and then walked three miles back. I'm woefully out of shape. For mini-golf, that is, not walking. Walking, I came in at three under par. In what really oughtn't be a noteworthy occurrence (but it isn't completely my fault, they stock the apartment with crap cookware, and not even enough crap for four people... In the battle between quantity and quality, Key Housing thinks outside the box), I made myself some real food tonight. It was simple in prep, cook, and cleanup and only needed things that I'm fairly likely to have around, and it was good, so yay it. Stir-fried some cubed tofu in olive and sesame oil, soy sauce, ginger, bit of chili powder, and peanut butter, and then I added some frozen bell pepper strips. Of course I ate the whole thing, which means no leftovers, pout. Tags: creative, food, humor, life August 3rd, 2005:
The Times's "Boldface Names", e.g. gossip, column, which I've recently decided is entertaining, has a typographical convention of putting celebrities' names in all-caps, e.g. "Yesterday at Aquavit, ROBERT DOWNEY JR was lunching with MERYL STREEP; the two ..." So, in today's (emph. added): Mr. Bartenev's face was painted pink and he was wearing high heels, a pink body suit, goggles and a flat round disk on top of his head like RA, the Egyptian god, or like someone who had had an unfortunate encounter with a power saw. Guess he's making a comeback. I hear he's being considered to take the reigns of Miramax. This reminds me of an old quote from the fortune file (although not the one on that machine, sadly:) All hail the sun god ETA: Everyone is Bill Murray. Tags: humor, media, misc July 16th, 2005: Half Blood Prince ending Oh man, that was amazing! I can't believe Voldemort is Harry's sled! (I haven't actually read it yet.) Tags: humor, media |
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